Friday, January 21, 2011

Are you dead or are you sleeping?

Need coffee..

Better, but not really.
I never should have started buying Tim Hortons french vanillas. They're so tasty. Even after diluting my coffee with half a cup of Almond milk, it still tastes like shit. I really need to go out and buy some ethically farmed coffee. They sell stuff that comes from salt spring island. Less distance between my coffee and I. It's going to be hard not to ruin it by buying french vanilla chemical creamers. I think to much about things that go into my body. I'm eyeing up the dollar store cup I use. It's cute, but probably laced with lead.

I deleted my facebook a few days ago. Felt freeing. I was kind of disgusted by all of it and the new bullshit layout was the end of it for me. I hate having 400 "friends" who I had nothing in common with, and would probably prefer to just not talk to. I was also getting so sick of accidentaly leaving chat on and said people talking to me. But then, I have unrealistic expectations. I expect an instant connection with people. In my experience, when someones not on the same page as you intellectually, if you end up nurturing that connection, the relationship becomes almost parasitic. Said person becomes a real drag. When you get into some philosophical debate, they're argument is almost always baseless and you can tell they've leeched their ideas from a person I'd rather be talking to. I met some hitchhiker who was convinced the only way we could achieve world peace was through micro-chipping individuals and preventing them from feeling hate, lust or greed. Oi.

Awe. baby just fell asleep on my arm. He's 6 months now. He's pretty much become an extension of myself. Funny how natural love comes with a baby. I guess you'll never understand until you create a human being from some genetic material and a few cells, incubate it for 9 months, and have it completely attached to you for 6 months. The thought of being tied down terrified me until I met him. I'm hoping he'll become less reliant on me in the next few years. It's not that I want distance. I just want a bit of Independence. I guess the two come hand in hand though. I haven't been able to get up and go in such a long time. -Why does coffee have to taste so bad?- The relationship between baby and mom is really a parasitic one. I don't love him less for it, just an observation. Why is it that moms just can't say things like that? Why do I feel like I need to apologise for stupid little things? Like not letting my baby cry himself to sleep. Whenever he gets whimpery, I grab him because it's what I feel I need to do instinctively. I fancy myself an instinctual person. Which is why I'd like to move! I'm sick of Prince George. British Columbia is beautiful, but Prince George is too toxic an environment to bring Luca up in. There is no room to grow intellectually. That, and the pulp mills are disgusting. We have like three or four of them spewing carcinogens into our air. City hall tried covering up the formaldehyde which was more then 18 times the acceptable "limit". Sick sick. I feel like I'm in that show, the Oblongs. It's pretty funny how the most exposed to all the toxins are the poor in the downtown hood area. not.

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