Late night (early morning) musings.

Busy busy busy said the little bee...


I've been budgeting my time out a bit better lately, and finding time to sew when I can! Mostly, I've been doing little things that can be worked on while Luca's toddling busily about. While school is still taking up a lot of my time, I've been finding myself more focused and energetic since cutting out caffeine and eating tons of fresh fruit and veggies. It allows me to be a better mom. I can't say I'm always good to myself (It IS 3am and I'm still up!), but real change takes time.

I'm going to bed. Love you all!

Counting my blessings... (the little things)

We just had some old friends come and visit overnight from out of town with their little one. They left about an hour ago, and our house already feels so silent! Luca and their little one were chasing each other around, and playing like they too were old friends who had just waited too long to see one another. You never realize how lonely you are until you find yourself in good company! I've definitely been finding myself worn down lately but winter has it's way of doing that to a person. I see how much Luca enjoys watching the falling snow. He'll take my hand, and pull me to the window and point. "Look mama!" He wants nothing more then to be out in it... until it actually happens. Then he'll taste some snow, fall in it, terrified of how shockingly cold it is! He turns right around and wants to be back inside where it's warm. It's really sweet. He's been learning how to clean and pick up after himself lately. I'm always left in amazement at just how much he can do. How quickly he learns. When mama sits down to her accounting homework, he's there beside me, drawing his first lines, and curves. In a few short years- those scribbles will be letters, and numbers! We're hoping to homeschool him. I'll be in college while he's in school, so I'm not sure how, but we'll find a way to make it work. I've found myself so caught up in school, I need to remind myself several times a day, that there are other very important things I need to take care of... like taking time out to just hang out with Luca. Whether that's drawing, cuddling, or painting, and I'm so fortunate to have people in my life who help make everything possible, and put things into perspective.

Snowfall in our backyard!

English and Arts.

   I thought I'd be relieved, or maybe it would be easier when I moved on from Math and began finishing my English courses. Nope. While I do love English, I hate writing essays. Finishing school through an adult education center is far less interesting then finishing in on of Andrew Leamy's AP English courses. I've forgotten what assonance, hyperbole, and all of these other poetic terms mean, and need to look them up every few minutes. All the while, my mind is wandering to my sewing room. I made a beautiful cloth box the other day. I gifted it to my mom for her knitting supplies. Photos are below. My camera is not the best quality but you get the idea. The pattern was taken from the book "Growing Up Sew Liberated: Making Handmade Clothes and Projects for your Creative Child" by Meg McElwee. Such an amazing book. Throughout the book, everything is concise, and well thought out. Not complicated, but still endearing. I think I'll probably end up sewing everything in the book! I should get back to school work. You have yourselves a productive day!

Truth and some things.

I've battled for some time with this overwhelming urge to take flight and go. I was really unhappy for the first 6 months of motherhood, and I had thought it might have been that I wasn't ready, or that I had made the wrong decision in not choosing to adopt Luca. I hated being stuck in the house, and when spring came, instead of being happy with the flowers, I was angry with my inability to travel like all of my nomadic friends. I would spend a great amount of my time angry, and upset because I felt like a caged bird. I wasn't a fun person to be around at the time, but that was okay because I never really left the house. The only thing that ever really made me happy at all was Luca. His little smile, soft skin and the smell of his breath. 

  At one point, I thought that maybe I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I can look back objectively now, and have made a few clear revelations. Being a mother is difficult and early on, I wasn't receiving help from my partner. I was never upset with Luca, but I envied of every other mom I came across who had free hands for even just an hour. I didn't blame dennis either, because he was just as confused as I was, trying to find his way through all of it. We really were just kids. I don't think we ever really factored parenthood into our lives at all until it happened. 

I had been homeless for a few years, and in an abusive relationship for years before that, and I think I just knew what everyone was saying about my pregnancy. Anytime I told anyone, I could always here the concern in their voices "Are you sure you're ready for it?" "Is it a good thing?" and the things people were saying behind my back were much worse. Knowing all of this, I guess I became so caught up with appearances, that I never talked about how I was feeling. I was so worried about messing things up that I never took a moment for myself. I would look amazing after pregnancy, my house immaculate, I ate an almost obsessively balanced diet through my pregnancy. No plastic cups (bpa) or mcdonalds for this momma. I researched everything I could about pregnancy and parenting and didn't realize how rigid the limitations I was setting for myself were. It really made everything worse, but I know I'll never give anything but support to struggling moms. I think I had trapped myself in this metality of "perfection" and when I gained weight or my house became a bit messy, I was ruthless in blaming myself. 

I've learned to let go of all of that, and now I'm taking time for myself. I know my demeanor has changed. I feel much more confidant, and no longer look for fault in other moms. Feeling as if the whole world is judging you as a mother really makes you find fault with other moms who are also doing their best. There have been times where I looked at someone feeding her child McDonalds, and felt so repulsed by it, and never really realized that I was doing the same thing that made parenting  so difficult for me. I was adding to the problem rather then being a part of the solution. 

I've lost my "touch" with blogging, and I think it's because I've feared letting anyone know what I was really thinking, or how I was feeling. This is me, and I'm flawed. I'll be honest with you all from here on in. :]

My new tattoo

I went in for my second tattoo on November 8th. Thomas Lowe from Happy Monkey tattoo in Prince George, BC is tattoo artist, and he deserves full props.